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Hoo boy, remind me not to review scary CDs late at night when the power goes out.  Well, the power didn't really go OUT...  Honestly, I was so hammered when I started listening to this thing, that I knocked over my little desklamp on the floor.  I was too shnockered to remember if I had any extra lightbulbs in the house, so the only light I had was the little red ones on my boom box.  This is NOT the ideal situation to listen to a disc like Oculus Infernum by VAN HELSING's CURSE.

It's a concept album.  You old-schoolers know what I'm talking about, but a few of you youngin's might have NO idea what that is.  It's a story told in musical form, basically.  Sometimes they're BADASS, and sometimes they fall FLAT on their asses.  It really depends on how much the guy writing it has had to drink, honestly.  Van Helsing's Curse is the brainchild of yours and my favorite TWISTED SISTER frontman/MSNBC voiceover guy, Dee Snider.

Here's a snippet of the story line from the official website:
Patience.
That It had...in abundance.
Watching.
Wanting.
Waiting for the time....

The Entity’s time had arrived.  Through the ages it had waited--patiently --knowing it would be freed.   It watched as the world grew careless--allowing itself the luxury of not believing in dark things.  Dark things that did not play by their rules.  Dark things that only cared about their own purpose...consumption.  Soul consumption.

As The Entity’s hooded saviors chanted their incantations and performed the rituals, preparing the way for Its reemergence, they assured themselves, “Better to rule in hell, then serve in heaven.”  And when The Entity was finally reborn...they were the first to go.

No one rules in hell.  All are damned.

Not since the Dark Ages had the reign of horror brought down upon this small town been experienced!  The authorities were frustrated--unable to protect their constituency from The Entity’s voraciousness--unable to stop the carnage.

Night after night, people disappeared--consumed by the darkness.  No bodies.  No body parts.  All that is left behind?  Blood...and the victim’s children.  Unharmed.  Left to bear witness.  To remember the nightmare.  Left behind to live with the torment of their haunted memories.  Left to tell their children’s children’s children of the darkness that lies in wait.

But why spare the children?  Did The Entity enjoy watching them suffer?  Or were they too small to bother with--too young to harvest?

Wuzzat mean?  I gots NO idea, but it's fucking SPOOKY as hell when you're piss drunk in the dark, listening to it full blast.  Think of it as the perfect music to play outside your little suburban house on Halloween night so all the neighborhood kids can make doo doo in their costumes on their front lawns.  Think of rock-translations of the theme from The Excorcist or a heavied-up version of "Carmina Burana", mixed in with Narration from Dee and a lot of spooky noises.  Just add some pumpkins, candles, and the threat of razors stuffed inside of apples, and you got yourself a lot of poo on your front lawn... or in my case, on the living room floor. Not being clear-headed will definitely cause your bowels to be a little jittery when you listen to this bad-boy.  I know I keep going to back to the 'pooping in the pants' thing, but you have NO idea how MUCH poo there actually is on the floor.

Yeah, it's THAT scary man... Sheesh, what a mess.

Rating: 4 Stars